A Year of Finding Out Who I am

TLDR For those who are mainly here to find out how I did

1. Complete Book of Heliotropic which means Fruitloop (10K written) and 12 stories for this project.
-F as written.
-C- for the revised goal of completing the 5th novel since I wrote a total of 20K words for the year and wrote 10K for the sequel to Forever West.

2. Be fit.
-C+ - I have learned and implemented a weight lifting regime I can do anywhere and exercized lightweight walking twice a week nearly every week.  I have eaten a bit better and taken my meds very consistently.  I can do a lot better.

3. Spend 100 hours learning to draw.

-C- 30+ hours of drawing.  I got the tools for the job and used them, more at the beginning of the year and made a slow but steady improvement.  There is a lot to do here, but I did work toward the goal and have no intent of giving it up.

Broadly speaking, this year was a solid C based purely on the simplified goals.  Because I was trying to pare things down, I didn't have bonus goals to make up the grade, but while I am keeping the letter grade for sheer consistency, I am changing the entire method I implement these goals; and that's a good thing.

Personally, present self considers this year a B+ nevertheless for a lot of reasons.

The most significant thing that happened this year was a major family fight in which I was in the wrong exposing previous family wrongs.  I learned a lot of valueable lessons from that fight including
*Who is on my side
*People simply do not need to hear truths that they do not want to hear
*There is a lot of value to be had from relationships that are something that is not friendship, aquaintance or that I can put any emotional trust in.
*You can get past a fight without needing to make an apology or receive one.  To quote a wise brother, "just move on."

The result of this fight was, among other things, no longer feeling obliged to not attack the LDS church.  This caused me to make 8 episodes to which you can find the link here.  (https://tinyurl.com/yb6xvex3) That link uses two sites that might not stand the test of time, pastebin and tinyurl but it seemed a good way to aggregate the data.

There were permanent consequences for this, not just lessons learned.  I was called a threat to children by my brother in law and threatened with a lawsuit.  As a result of it, I can't go to family reunions and there is a standing agreement with my eldest sister for mutual nonconsent.  I was in the wrong about airing my grievances to my sisters (especially in HOW I did it) but the escalation violated not only the basic standards of human decency but also the basic standards of Christianity and the LDS church.  I learned a lot about humanity and also learned a lot about myself.

I've learned that there really is no point with trying to reconcile political impossibilities with those who refuse to see reality for what it is.  The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can try and find solutions, difficult to nigh impossible as they might be, the sooner we can work towards the solutions that will actually work but that do not require depending on people who will never ever accept responsibility or the truth for anything.

I learned that kindness is impossible when clouded by anger and it is the meat by which we lead decent lives.  In one of my novels, my 'author avatar character' is actually divided into 3 (the 6th novel in case you cared) Mr. Right, Mr. Kind and Mr Necessary, and in writing it I realized the flaws of having one without the other, but long had (At that time) written off being "Mr Right" with all the real and untrue hubris that implied, while never truly wanting to be Mr Necessary and feeling that while I had been Mr. Kind, that this was simply no longer possible.

I now know that not only can I be all three of these 'people' but it is absolutely vital for me to be who I am.  Mixing all three into one person requires that I am kind but honest.  It means that while I am honest and confront evil without hesitancy, it also means that I am under no obligation to be kind to those who would take my attempts at kindness and throw it in my face.  Telling people truths they do not want to hear isnt bearing witness and it isn't kindness, it is just asking for trouble, and smart people-ie people like Mr Necessary, don't give up informatoin that they dont need to because knowledge is power.  Kindness is generosity, so anyone who WANTS advice, who wants my opinion or my council is welcome to it.  Mankind is and should be my business.  The 'its a wonderful life' and 'christmas carol' standard does apply and I've applied it to myself to the best of my ability in one form or another for as long as I have lived.

What does this mean for 2019?  I have about half or a third, depending on the luck of health and longevity, of a third of my life left.  By being kind and active, I can have great happiness, and by applying the lessons learned this year I will never again emotionally invest in a human being who isnt worthy of my time without at the same time becoming an isolated bitter tower.  Mankind should and will be my business and I intend to go about the world, to bear witness to the evil in it and work to make it a better place, but to be as close to the old self I was, Mr. Kind, the now done present self of seeing the truth for what it is, Mr Right, but the doer of deeds who uses knowledge in the most efficient means possible to get things done.  It is time I became Mr Necessary, but the Mr Necessary at the end of Heir of Sunfire who has the wise council of Mr Right and Mr Kind to know WHEN and HOW those actions should take place.

In short, for the first time since I changed the name of this blog to "Shards of a Broken Soul" to "Shards of a United Soul" I can say that those shards, now united, are also now healed and working together.

It is going to be a good year no matter what hand fate deals.